The Four Conversations

 When I started writing articles, my goal was to help create the right kind of leaders. It didn’t matter what your job title was, I wanted people to see that almost everyone can be a leader. Most people are leaders even if they don’t want to be one or don’t think that they are one. If you are someone that people look to for advice, or someone that people turn to when the person who is usually in charge isn’t there, you are a leader. If you are a parent, you are a leader. If you have a sibling, you are a leader. Over the years, what I saw way too often was the people who most people referred to as leaders, I didn’t want to be. What I noticed more than anything were people in leadership positions who treated others poorly and had the reputation of someone who could fly off the handle at any moment. They managed by fear and were proud of the fact that they could bully and intimidate. It felt like I had spent the last fifteen to twenty years wanting to be something, but then when I got a closer look, I was embarrassed.

What Do I Want?

I feel like it’s actually easy to be a good leader. Create a checklist, finish most of it, check in with your boss and do a few small things to make them happy. If you do those things, you will have job security for as long as you need it, and no one will say much. It sounds like a positive, but let’s look at the example of having a sibling. If you are a leader to a younger sibling, that probably means that a parental figure has put you in charge. So, if you want to be good, all you must do is make decisions that will make your parents happy. Again, it sounds like a positive. What no one tells you though, is that if you don’t show your sibling that you care about them, one day they may just quit on you. If people don’t think that you care, one day they will leave. It doesn’t matter if it’s quitting a job, or creating a distance in a family, they will leave.

The First Conversation

I’ve had four conversations over the last few weeks, the first one was something I started years ago. Long before Facebook, I started putting people’s birthdays in my calendar. It started off on a wall calendar and now it’s all in google calendar. Most people love their birthday. Even if you don’t love the fact that you are a year older, you want people to at least recognize that you were born. I used to be horrible at remembering birthdays, after hearing lots of hurt and disappointment in the voices of the people I loved, I decided to get better at it. I’m amazed at how happy people are when you remember their birthday. It’s a wonderful thing to see someone light up because you were thinking about them. One bit of advice, the older everyone gets, the more they want you to address their birthday quietly and one on one.

The Next Conversation

I try as best as I can to ask people what they have planned for the weekends. Most people give a boring reply. Occasionally, someone will share something a little more. I had someone share that they had a family event coming up over the weekend that they weren’t looking forward to.  I listened to the concerns they had, and I look forward to checking in this week to see how it went. Did it go like they thought it would? I hope that it went smoothly, and they enjoyed the time with family.

The Last Two Conversations

During the first week of the year, I had two different conversations, both had to do with a future doctor’s appointment. One person had an appointment for themselves, the other one had a daughter who had an appointment coming up. In both cases, I walked away from the conversation and put a reminder in my calendar to check in. When something is three weeks into the future and you remember to check back with them after it happens, they know you took extra effort to remember. That’s especially important to people when it comes to appointments and their family.

Why Does it Matter?

None of these conversations took longer than a few minutes. But those five minutes can impact both of you for months. It’s exciting to get to know other people. To hear their story, the positive things they have going on in life and the negatives. What you end up finding out is that it’s a lot more fun to come to work when all your interactions don’t feel like a business transaction. When you get to know someone else, it’s amazing how much harder everyone works for each other. When it’s busy, everyone works together. When it’s slow, you get to know everyone even more. The more people are talking, the more others want to get involved. This week, spend a few minutes getting to know someone. I want to be a leader with a reputation for caring for people, not for yelling at them.